When you think about it, working with your ex in a co-parenting partnership to provide a stable and loving environment for the children is not that different from parenting as a couple.
The goal of presenting a unified front while ensuring the children are happy and their needs are consistently met remains the same. You simply need to develop new strategies to make the goal a reality.
Will it be easy? Probably not.
Will there be mistakes along the way? Yes, more than likely.
Will it be worth it? Absolutely.
Co-Parenting Basics
Co-parenting refers to parents who have dissolved their romantic relationship but are cooperating to raise their children in a way that will allow for optimal development while not infringing on the rights and privacy of either parent.
Open, effective, and efficient communication is at the heart of a co-parenting partnership.
Surveys show parents worry most about their children’s emotional well-being, health, and safety. When a true parenting partnership exists between couples who have broken up, the children can continue to benefit from stability, consistency, and the knowledge that both parents care for them equally, even in the face of less-than-ideal conditions.
How Children Benefit From a Strong Co-Parenting Relationship
When implemented with the children’s well-being, happiness, and needs as the priority, a strong, unified co-parenting relationship can provide them with a stable, predictable, and nurturing environment to grow and thrive, even when their time is shared between two households.
The children learn what cooperation looks like and are reassured that both parents will continue to be a significant part of their lives.
Studies from 2017 show that:
“…children in shared-parenting families had better outcomes than children in sole physical custody families.”
The journey might not always be easy, but ensuring that the children involved can spend quality time with each parent and have less stress and instability is well worth the effort.
Developing a Parenting Plan
In cases where the courts do not govern the details of the parenting arrangement, experts recommend that both parents have an attorney or enlist the help of a mediator to ensure that the plan addresses both parties’ desires and that the well-being of the children remains the priority.
A parenting plan should consider each parent’s time, finances, and preferences while looking out for the children’s well-being.
A parenting plan typically covers the following issues:
Legal custody
Communication
Boundaries
Living arrangements
Visitation schedules
Medical care and emergencies
Sharing financial burdens
Child support
Holidays, birthdays, and special events
Vacations and summer scheduling
Handling the need for scheduling changes
Day-to-day and major decisions
Parent-child communication
Transportation and exchanging of the children from one parent to the other
Resolving conflicts
Main Types of Co-Parenting
Just as parenting styles vary widely, there are many different co-parenting approaches. Even similar strategies can look very different depending on the family situation. However, the different types of co-parenting typically fall into one of the following categories.
Parallel Parenting
Unlike a true co-parenting relationship where parents communicate effectively, parallel parenting stresses minimal interaction between parents, and communication is typically only in written form.
This approach is often necessary when parents want to remain active in their children’s lives but cannot communicate effectively and without conflict.
This form of parenting leads to stress, instability, and inconsistency for the children because practices, parenting styles, and rules often differ significantly between the parents’ households.
Sadly, behavioral and emotional problems are a real possibility for children raised in a parallel parenting arrangement.
Cooperative Co-Parenting
A cooperative co-parenting approach is the most highly recommended model. When people use the broad term co-parenting, they typically mean the cooperative co-parenting approach.
With this approach, parents work together effectively to provide a stable, nurturing environment for the children involved.
High-Conflict Co-Parenting
High-conflict co-parenting is not a planned parenting approach. Instead, it is the result of a co-parenting agreement that needs to be revised.
This situation is marked by frequent conflict, poor communication, and stress. For the children involved, adverse outcomes are common.
Parents who find their parenting agreement heading down this road should seek professional help to remedy the situation before the children suffer lasting damage.
What a Healthy Co-Parent Relationship Should Look Like
According to experts, a healthy, effective co-parenting relationship should be based on respect and efficient communication and aim to keep the children’s best interests at the forefront of all communication and decision-making.
The relationship should be marked by a willingness to compromise and be free of manipulation tactics. The children involved should never be made to feel like they are a burden or the cause of conflict.
Parents should quickly resolve issues, and the children should exist in a loving, nurturing, and structured environment governed by a unified parenting approach. Children should be expected to follow similar rules in both parents’ homes to avoid confusion and promote consistency.
Effective Communication Between Co-Parents
A plan for transparent, efficient communication is vital for success when co-parenting. From the beginning, both parents should understand and agree to abide by the plan’s boundaries.
Depending on the nature of the co-parenting relationship, communication could involve phone calls, text messages, emails, in-person contact, or parenting apps.
Helpful Guidelines for Communication
Set personal feelings aside.
Keep the focus on the children.
Have a specific plan in place to handle unforeseen emergencies.
Strive to handle all communication maturely, respectfully, and pleasantly.
Be consistent with regular contact.
Remain open to compromise, especially with insignificant issues.
Reply promptly to messages.
Don’t withhold critical information from the other parent.
Consider using a neutral third party for communication if challenges persist, or seek professional counseling to work through issues if necessary.
Co-Parenting Classes
Co-parenting programs and classes are designed to provide parents with the knowledge, skills, and tools needed to navigate the challenges of co-parenting successfully.
Research regarding the effectiveness of co-parenting classes indicated “that parents who attended the class had fewer contacts with attorneys, spent less money on the divorce, were more encouraging for their children to love their other parent, and exposed their children to less conflict.”
Co-parenting classes typically have several objectives:
Improve communication between co-parents so they can collaborate for the benefit of the children.
Learn to prioritize the child in all decision-making processes by setting aside personal feelings.
Create a comprehensive parenting plan for the future.
Understand the emotional, developmental, and psychological impacts on children following a separation or divorce.
Understand children’s reactions to the change of circumstances and how to help them through the transition.
Learn how to protect children during parental conflicts.
Understand how to avoid conflict while sharing responsibilities and promoting consistency in the children’s lives.
Gain information and tips for sustaining a positive co-parenting relationship over the long term.
The court sometimes orders co-parenting classes, or parents can pursue them voluntarily. Parents can usually choose in-person or online co-parenting classes, and many are affordable and meet court requirements.
Co-Parenting Apps
Sometimes, the best way to avoid conflict is to minimize direct contact within the co-parenting relationship.
Co-parenting apps give parents the tools to facilitate communication, adhere to the parenting plan, coordinate schedules, provide documentation of crucial information, and more, depending on the chosen plan.
Common Co-Parent Challenges
The road to successful co-parenting is often bumpy at first. Challenges might seem impossible, but with a purposeful effort from each parent, parents can almost always overcome difficult situations and conflicts.
Communication
Putting aside personal differences is imperative for effective communication between co-parents. The amount of communication necessary will vary depending on the specific situation, but co-parents must find a way to communicate efficiently throughout their co-parenting journey.
Different Parenting Styles
Co-parents with different parenting styles must learn to respect one another’s approach, maintain effective communication, and continue to act in the children’s best interests, regardless of their personal opinions.
Scheduling and Logistics
Busy schedules, the physical distance between the parties involved, and logistical problems can make maintaining a consistent routine difficult.
However, the University of Georgia Cooperative Extension shares this critical insight:
“Children develop emotional security when their world is nurturing, consistent, and predictable.”
Thus, co-parents must work together to establish a routine and strive to adhere to it.
Lack of Flexibility
As important as consistency is, sometimes circumstances require a change in plans. To maintain a healthy co-parenting arrangement, both parties should be flexible when the situation demands it.
Differences of Opinion
Disagreements lead to conflict, which is counterproductive to a healthy co-parenting strategy. Learning to compromise and respect the other parent’s opinions is critical for co-parenting to be successful.
Finances
A parenting plan should include a clear strategy for tracking and managing the financial responsibilities of both co-parents. Many parenting apps provide a way to track and document expenses, child support, and other finances to avoid future conflict.
Not Adhering to the Parenting Plan
When one parent breaks previously agreed-upon plans, the children are often the ones who suffer the most. Once parents agree to a plan, both parties must adhere to it for co-parenting to work successfully.
Parental Alienation
In a less-than-ideal co-parenting relationship, one parent might attempt to turn the children against the other by voicing criticism aloud, making the other appear to be the “no-fun parent,” or engaging in other negative tactics.
Establishing Boundaries
Co-parenting boundaries help ensure that both parents are treated respectfully by setting forth an agreed-upon set of rules regarding privacy, time, scheduling, expectations, etc.
Some co-parents can establish and maintain strict guidelines on their own; others might require the assistance of a neutral third party.
Co-parenting boundaries typically cover issues such as:
Determining the frequency, mode, tone, and timing of communication between co-parents.
Schedules for visitation, holidays, pick-ups and drop-offs, etc.
Level of involvement by extended family, new boyfriends/girlfriends, and others.
Guidelines for personal time, space, privacy, and belongings.
Consistent rules and discipline.
Avoiding conflict when children are present.
Sharing critical information about the children.
Bad-mouthing one another in front of the children.
A plan for handling major decisions and emergencies.
Strategies for conflict resolution.
Resolving Conflicts
Ideally, an established parenting plan will provide strategies for handling the conflicts that arise when co-parenting.
Quickly resolving conflicts requires the effort of both parents. The most effective strategies will depend on the nature of the co-parenting relationship and the disputed issue.
General tips for settling and moving past conflicts include:
Be willing to offer and accept apologies when needed.
Avoid seeking retaliation.
Be open to frank discussions and compromises.
Do a self-assessment of your conversational tone and behavior.
Listen to your parenting partner.
Be willing to explore several solutions and be flexible.
Revisit the problem once emotions have calmed.
Enlist the help of a professional mediator if necessary.
Consider counseling or an amended parenting agreement if conflicts become common.
You’re Not Alone
Statistics show that a staggering 50% of marriages will end in divorce, so take comfort in knowing that you’re not the only person learning to adjust.
Having a support system in place can help tremendously. A support system can include family members, a network of friends, support groups, or even private therapy.
If you feel that the current co-parenting plan needs to be adjusted, work with a lawyer or go through the court system, depending on your specific situation, to ensure your rights are protected and the new plan prioritizes the children’s best interests and emotional well-being.