Dear Dave,
My wife and I have been married for less than a year, and we’re already having disagreements over money. I love her, and one of the reasons I do is because she has such a giving heart. The problem is I feel like she’s taking this too far. Often, she will give money to family and friends. Most of the time I wouldn’t mind this, as long as the person really needed help. But often she will do this, and we end up short when it comes to taking care of our bills, paying off debt and saving. How can I approach her about this without causing more stress in our relationship?
Jacob
Dear Jacob,
Your wife’s heart is in the right place. And generosity is a very attractive quality in a person. Still, that doesn’t make what she’s doing a good idea right now.
I’m going to be blunt with you, okay? This kind of behavior is financially irresponsible. Her intentions are admirable, but she’s going overboard. If it’s causing stress in your marriage, and you two are having trouble taking care of your own financial obligations, you have every right to be frustrated.
I want you to really hear this: Broke people can’t help broke people. By this, I mean only the strong can help the weak. Right now, you two should be working together—as a team—to get your own financial house in order. And by that, I mean working hard to become debt-free, then saving up a fully loaded emergency fund. Once that’s done, you should start setting something aside for retirement. Then, and only then, once all that has been taken care of, and you have a friend or family member who’s truly in financial need, you can give whatever you both agree is a proper, affordable amount.
Look, I’m a big giver at my business and in my personal life. But you two need to take care of yourselves right now. Sit down with your wife, and gently explain this to her. She’s a good lady, Jacob. Praise her for her giving heart. But at the same time, show her what’s happening with your own finances and how you’ll be better able to help the people around you once you pay off your debt, and start saving money.
God bless you both.
— Dave
