Ever notice how the people who dominate every conversation often describe themselves as “great communicators”?
I used to be one of them.
After interviewing over 200 people for various articles, from startup founders to burned-out middle managers, I thought I’d mastered the art of conversation.
Turns out, I was confusing talking a lot with communicating well.
A friend finally called me out for treating early dates like interview subjects, gathering data instead of actually connecting.
That wake-up call made me realize something uncomfortable: Many of us who think we’re excellent communicators are actually displaying habits that signal low emotional intelligence.
The research backs this up as studies show that people with lower emotional intelligence often overestimate their communication abilities while missing crucial social cues.
Here are eight conversation habits that reveal this gap, and why so many of us don’t even realize we’re doing them:
1) Constantly steering conversations back to yourself
You know that person who responds to every story with “Oh, that reminds me of when I…” and then launches into their own tale?
Yeah, that was me.
When someone shared a problem, I’d immediately jump in with my similar experience, thinking I was being relatable.
But here’s what I learned: Sometimes people just need to be heard, not matched with a competing story.
This habit often stems from trying to connect, but it actually signals an inability to sit with someone else’s experience without making it about you.
The most emotionally intelligent people I’ve interviewed have this remarkable ability to ask follow-up questions instead of pivoting to their own stories.
They’ll say things like “How did that make you feel?” or “What happened next?” rather than immediately shifting the spotlight.
2) Waiting for your turn to speak instead of actually listening
Have you ever found yourself mentally rehearsing your response while someone else is still talking?
I discovered I did this constantly, especially during work conversations.
I’d be so focused on crafting my clever reply that I’d miss half of what the other person was saying.
This habit reveals a fundamental misunderstanding about communication.
We think being quick with responses shows intelligence, but it actually shows we’re more concerned with our performance than with understanding others.
True listening requires letting go of our agenda and being genuinely curious about what someone is sharing.
3) Offering unsolicited advice constantly
I had to learn that my tendency to analyze everything could be exhausting for partners who just wanted to vent.
Every time someone shared a challenge, I’d immediately launch into problem-solving mode, offering solutions and strategies they never asked for.
What makes this habit particularly tricky is that we often do it from a place of genuine care.
We want to help!
However, constantly offering advice signals that we don’t trust others to handle their own problems.
It also shows we’re uncomfortable sitting with difficult emotions, so we rush to fix things instead of simply being present.
Emotionally intelligent communicators understand that most people already know what they need to do.
They’re sharing because they need connection.
4) Using your phone while someone is talking
“I’m listening, I can multitask!”
How many times have we said this while scrolling through our phones?
Even when we think we’re absorbing everything, divided attention sends a clear message: Whatever’s on that screen is more important than the person in front of us.
Research shows that even having a phone visible during conversations reduces the quality of connection.
It’s about missing the nonverbal cues that make up most of human communication.
When we’re glancing at our phones, we miss the slight frown, the nervous laugh, and the subtle shift in body language that tells us what someone really means.
5) Interrupting or talking over others
This one hits close to home as my social anxiety wasn’t obvious to others because I’d learned to mask it with preparation and questions but sometimes that anxiety manifested as jumping in too quickly, afraid the conversation would lag if I didn’t fill the silence.
Chronic interrupters often think they’re showing enthusiasm and engagement.
“I’m just passionate!” they’ll say, but interrupting signals that we value our thoughts more than others’ and that we’re too impatient to let someone complete their point.
It shows we’re more focused on being heard than on hearing.
The irony? The most influential communicators I’ve met speak less than you’d expect.
They create space for others and only interject when it truly adds value.
6) Making everything about work or one topic
I learned to stop being the friend who only talks about work after someone I cared about called me out.
“Do you have any other interests?” she asked, and I realized I’d become a one-note conversationalist.
When we constantly steer conversations to our area of expertise or obsession, whether it’s work, fitness, parenting, or politics, we’re essentially saying that’s all we have to offer.
It signals an inability to read the room and adapt to different social contexts.
More importantly, it shows we’re not interested in discovering what others care about.
7) Dismissing emotions with logic
“You shouldn’t feel that way because…” or “Logically speaking…”
These phrases used to be my go-to responses when someone shared something emotional.
I thought I was being helpful by offering perspective, but I was actually invalidating their experience.
This habit reveals discomfort with emotions, both our own and others’.
When we immediately jump to logic in emotional conversations, we’re signaling that feelings make us uncomfortable and we’d rather deal with facts.
However, emotions are experiences to be acknowledged.
8) Never admitting when you don’t know something
Have you ever nodded along to a conversation about something you knew nothing about, too embarrassed to admit your ignorance?
I’ve done this countless times, especially early in my career, thinking it made me seem knowledgeable.
Yet, pretending to know everything signals insecurity.
It prevents genuine learning and connection.
The most emotionally intelligent people I’ve encountered are comfortable saying “I don’t know much about that, tell me more” or “I’ve never heard of that, what is it?”
Final thoughts
Recognizing these habits in ourselves isn’t comfortable, but it’s the first step toward genuine connection.
The good news? Emotional intelligence isn’t fixed.
Every conversation is an opportunity to practice being more present, more curious, and more attuned to others.
Start small: Pick one habit to work on this week.
Maybe it’s putting your phone away during conversations or asking one more follow-up question before sharing your own story.
True communication mastery is about creating space for genuine human connection, one conversation at a time.
